I often give the analogy of taking out the garbage, which simply means that just the way we empty the trash from our kitchens and homes on a daily basis, the same way, we need to take out the negative thoughts, upsets, disagreements, sometimes even fights and irritations from our minds on a daily basis and let it go for good. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. I have a question for those married to someone with ab. It feels right and it feels good to have joy once again. He has lived like everything is his and somehow hes convinced me it is too and if I want to leave I can if I dont then I can stay, doesnt matter one way or the other. In addition to Rs comments I would like to add that AS has degrees; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle. I gave up. Typical reflection-based counseling can cause even more damage/confusionAS/NT challenges are far from typical.. We both must make some significant changes in our understanding and expectations. This has made me a stronger person both mentally and emotionally. After the separation, he seemed to start working harder and wants me to come back. My 401k is only worth about 300,000. Dont always trust your mind, because your perception may not be the right one. All the pent up anxiety comes gushing out. It can happen. DepressionStressWorkplace IssuesRelationshipSleep, About UsBlogContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseRefund PolicyLocations. Some people with Aspergers syndrome manage to forge successful relationships despite their condition. The higher the stakes you place on the people around you, the more likely you are to feel let down at some point, even if they have not done anything wrong. 5. It describes those who are living with chronic relational trauma, especially identified in the Autism/NT marriage. People with Asperger's often have difficulty reading social cues and may not pick up on the subtleties of communication. I love him of course but I feel daunted and worry about his future. However, there are some deal breakers as I call them in marriage that if they arent addressed or accepted or owned and changed they will ruin a relationship because forbearance would be dangerous to ones soul, spirit and body and then its time for a big ol NO WAY! I recommend that people (both partners in the relationship) print out this article (modify it for your own traits and habits to work on) and look at it daily at least twice a day by keeping it in a place that you spend a lot of time at, like an office desk, meditation/prayer nook, bedside table, or on your phone, and really commit to this. Love can be concealed in the form of anger, pain, shock, or grief. He also might take things literally and get offended when someone says something sarcastic or makes a joke about him, without understanding the humor behind it. I definitely dont want to be me today. Trust my partner. This may include family, friends, or even a therapist. I do feel guilty looking out for myself, especially since I did commit to this marriage, no matter how hesitant I was (as I am so often reminded). I feel too much responsibility to him. She believes her husband has Aspergers syndrome, despite the fact that he is on the autistic spectrum. "I think my husband has Asperger's. I don't know, though. It is often referred to as autism spectrum disorder or high-functioning autism instead. People with autism may struggle to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection. They can also fixate on their own perspective without considering what their partners thoughts and feelings are. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. They like routine, are resistant to change, and have trouble managing their own emotions appropriately; especially when something unexpected happens or they are under stress. When dating someone with Aspergers syndrome, you must be extremely clear about what you require. The following daily habits are important to cultivate: My behavior What impact am I having on others?, My feelings "What was the trigger?, My thoughts Perseveration: Stop the thought loop!, My facial expressions, body language Am I relaxed, open? This can be due to the fact that he may feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable in social situations. There are big issues (carrying most of the load of family life, his meltdowns/shutdowns, no sex life, being treated like a business partner, info-only communication, etc.) I dont know much about this topic, but I wanted to share what Ive seen. Her role as a therapist is to support and assist individuals and families to look for ways to resolve personal challenges that impact their daily lives and ability to cope. How wonderful that your grandchildren have a dad who understands how to parent these special children! But I also feel guilty (he frequently reminds me that I never was fully committed to the marriagebut I wanted to bewanted to be committed to a healthy marriage). People with Aspergers often seem to live in their own world. Married for 13. Forms of support can be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling. If you decide to stay in your marriage, its important to be realistic about what that will require. I struggle trying to maintain the house and have to pay people to do most things now. I cant tell you its okay for you to leave your marriage. We all have faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention plain sinfulness. I went through menopause, without affection nor support. After completing an onlin. Therefore, all marriages require that we learn some fundamental lessons about acceptance, forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, love, sacrifice, boundaries, patience, and speaking the truth in love where necessary. So if someone with Aspergers constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior. One challenge is that over time, people with Aspergers may develop habits or routines which are not practical for their current situation. People with the spectrum are frequently unable to form and maintain relationships in adulthood due to a lack of social and communication skills. I cant do or fix anything about what Im worrying about. In such a situation, the ASD partner might remind themselves of the following: Many ASD individuals are known to have an elephants memory and therefore they may remember every little disagreement or conflict that happens between their partner and them. I hoped that it would work (but probably for selfish reasons). We can continue living our lives to the fullest. Admit where you may have messed up and take responsibility. It was normal but there were still signs. And work through the emotions you are currently experiencing. I am afraid i will somehow be forced to walk away without my 401k , let alone any other monies. Several years ago, Miriams son was diagnosed with autism. You may feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to upset your Aspergers husband. And daily chronic paper cuts to the heart (very little comfort, touch, praise, empathy, sharingand struggles to explain this complex disorder to others, Well, he seems fine, thats just how men are, right? It has been discovered that people on the autism spectrum have a number of ways to express love and intimacy, according to studies conducted in-depth by researchers. If I dont want my kitchen scissors used in the garage and I say to leave them in kitchen I am causing a problem! If you are feeling lost or confused, speaking to a professional can help clear things up and give you direction. When you make better connections, you can improve your relationships health. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. He owned the house before I came along. So having forbearance is understanding that we are dealing with imperfect humanity in relationships and not expecting or being surprised at ones weaknesses. I suspect my husband has Aspergers. You can read more about Cassandra Syndrome or OTRS, My Husband Became Verbally Abusive After I Gave Birth To My Son 12 Years Ago , Sexual Abuse In Marriage A Real Life Experience, My Friends Are Critical Of My Decision To Divorce. Another way of dealing is asking for help when needed even though my husband does not always understand how best to provide me with support in situations where his actions might make things worse rather than better. Our youngest were 12 and 10. When a partner has Aspergers also known as High Functioning Autism this can present with invisible dynamics within the relationship that press outward and or against the individual partners cloaked in a cloud of shame and secrecy. I know God hates divorce and he may or may not leave me or divorce me but I dont think God expects me to not be a full person for myself just so he will stay and be happy. This may include speaking to a lawyer, therapist, or even a financial advisor. Thank you, Leslie, from the bottom of my heart! During courtship he had his own place to go retreat to. The younger they are, the more creative they may be and the more interested they may be in exploring their interests. . Lack of intimacy and invalidating responses experienced in a marriage can feel like a disconnection of voids needing desperately to be filled. If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger dont use this site. I have worked with women who have chosen to leave without guilt and those who have chosen to stay without resentment. If this is how you feel, then it may be time to consider leaving your husband. It doesnt mean they dont want me to work. He is an NT fully capable of being kind, considerate, etc., but chooses not to. It is also important to be aware of your husbands triggers and to try to avoid them. Its so complicated and hard, and there arent many counselors out there who get it. This can make everyday tasks like grocery shopping or taking a walk very difficult for him. It is important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner if you feel like they are being too selfish. Thats called making Generalisations, stereotyping and very judgemental. Within a society that holds different social expectations for men and women in marriage, the dynamics within each partnership would have its own individual presentation. Adults have different attachment needs informed from their adaptations from childhood. This book specifically addresses the touchy issues of sex, rage, divorce and shame and gives a glimpse of the "inner workings" of these relationships. Several commenters pointed out that he was an Aspie. They may just find it difficult to understand social cues or read other peoples body language. Answer: First, before I answer your question let me give a disclaimer that I am not an expert on Aspergers or Autism Spectrum disorder as its better defined these days. Now after 23 years the kids are raised and I go out with friends to do interesting things. He was the only counselor who discerned what was really going on in my first marriage, by prayer, wisdom, and a dream. Please be well. He has many of the symptoms, such as difficulty socializing, obsession with certain interests, and problems with eye contact. Asperger's syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. Safety must always be the first area of assessment in treatment. I did try. He would not have it any other way than for us to live together as one big happy family along with our three cats, dog, and baby. When you talk to your husband about getting a divorce, it is important to be respectful and calm. Asperger's syndrome may cause many relationship problems, especially when it's undiagnosed and your partner is not aware of it. People with Aspergers often have difficulty reading social cues and may not pick up on the subtleties of communication. After years of this I was in crisis. its easy to find excuses or pretend that ASD can be controlled, but ASD is a real condition. One sign of Aspergers is having a rigid thinking pattern. He needs to be very humble and ask for continual input and reminders from his wife and children, but he does very well and is very strong in Spirit and sensitive to Gods direction. When she learns that her husband suffers from Aspergers syndrome, she admits that she considered leaving him. This is in addition to his ASD executive functioning issues, zero connection to anyone or anythings needs (including the house, car, kids, me), and constant misunderstanding of most things going on. Click To Tweet. When they have a meltdown, he says Look at daddy. Some people may not realize how important sex is in so many romantic relationships because they have little emotional connection to it. For people with ASD, touching frequently results in avoidance. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. Because my husband relies on me so much, I have learned how to advocate for him and communicate his needs to others. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. You had a good run with him. This can make it hard for them to understand the needs of their husbands. In general, however, it is important to remember that people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding the needs and emotions of others. If you are considering leaving your husband because of his Aspergers, its important to ask yourself if there is hope for change. Or worst case, does he use it as an excuse to be cruel and harsh towards you? Having a therapist who specializes in offering support to couples where a spouse has an Aspergers diagnosis, who is also grounded makes the difference of how the strengths that already exist are built upon and the challenges worked through in a structured and concrete way. As a wise friend once said to me: "Eva, if we're not improving, we're regressing!". Sociopaths with autism have the same desire for relationships as those with non-autism. If you are struggling to cope with his condition, there are many resources available to help you. However, a therapist may be the best option as they can help you understand your feelings. No response. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. It is possible to have assistance from your partner as well. (Although once hes clues in, he will need to be willing to work with you if repair is to take place.). When in doubt, go with your partners point of view. What encouragement can you give this woman whether she says or leaves? 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my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him